No BS Telehealth

01/The Gap

What Patients Want vs. What They Get

What Patients Want

✓Transparent pricing
✓Qualified clinicians
✓Honest expectations
✓Clear communication
✓Fast access to care
✓Easy cancellation
✓Simple intake forms
✓Accurate information

What Patients Somehow Get

✗Countdown timers
✗Celebrity endorsements
✗AI-powered everything
✗Email sequences
✗SMS sequences
✗Hidden pricing
✗Subscription surprises
✗Growth hacks
✗Endless onboarding
✗Marketing funnels
✗Buzzword overload

02/Diagnostics

The Bullshit Checklist™

☐Revolutionary
☐Personalized
☐Premium
☐Exclusive
☐Transformational
☐Industry-leading
☐Proprietary
☐AI-powered
☐Concierge
☐Elite
☐Next-generation
☐Disruptive
☐Patient-centric

Bullshit Score

9.4 / 10

03/Interactive

Telehealth Startup Generator

04/Interactive

Pricing Transparency Challenge

Can you find the price?

05/Marketing Theatre

The Press Logo Bar

You have seen this on every telehealth website.

As Seen In

Major Business PublicationPopular Health WebsiteWell-Known News OutletFinance MagazineSyndication Network

These are not editorial endorsements.

Many news and health outlets run affiliate partner programs. A telehealth company pays a network — through platforms like Everflow, Impact, or Katalys — to place sponsored content, paid reviews, or affiliate articles. The article goes live. The logo gets added to the website.

No journalist investigated your outcomes. No publication recommended your product. Someone paid for placement. The logo is the receipt.

What “As Seen In” actually means:

As Seen In [Publication]Paid for an affiliate article
Featured In [Health Site]Sponsored content or paid placement
As Featured In [News Outlet]Affiliate network distributed content
Trusted By [Magazine]Purchased a sponsored post

None of this is illegal. All of it is misleading.

06/Field Notes

Things Patients Have Never Said

❌“I wish healthcare was more complicated.”
❌“I wish there were more popups.”
❌“I hope there is another countdown timer.”
❌“I wish pricing was harder to find.”
❌“I hope cancellation is difficult.”
❌“I wish the intake form was longer.”
❌“I hope there are more marketing emails.”
❌“I want another password.”
❌“I hope there is a surprise subscription.”
❌“I wish there were more buzzwords.”

Patients have never said these things.

Ever.

07/Anatomy

The Telehealth Funnel

Some of this is medically required. Most of it is not.

Industry Version

Landing Page
↓
Quiz
↓
Email Capture
↓
SMS Capture
↓
Account Creation
↓
Verify Email
↓
Verify Phone
↓
Questionnaire
↓
More Questionnaire
↓
Upsell
↓
Another Upsell
↓
Checkout
↓
Clinical Review
↓
Care

Estimated Completion Time:

Longer Than It Needed To Be

Sensible Version

Name
↓
Date Of Birth
↓
Reason For Visit
↓
Medical History
↓
Allergies & Medications
↓
Submit
↓
Clinical Review
↓
Care

Estimated Completion Time:

2 Minutes

The distinction is simple.

Medically necessary: name, date of birth, symptoms, medical history, current medications, allergies, relevant photos. A clinician needs this to safely recommend treatment.

Not medically necessary: your email before you know the price, your phone number for SMS sequences, a quiz to segment you into a funnel, upsells before clinical review, verification steps that exist to increase touch points, not security.

One of these protects patients. The other protects conversion rates.

Patients don't care how clever your funnel is.

Patients care how quickly they can access care.

08/Interactive

Telehealth Website Bingo™

09/Specimen

Honest Telehealth Landing Page

We prescribe medication.

It costs money.

A clinician reviews your information.

If appropriate, treatment may be recommended.

If approved, medication is shipped.

Questions?

Email us.

The End.

10/Endurance Event

The Intake Form Olympics

Current Record:

Question 1 of 97
Question 2 of 97
Question 3 of 97
Question 4 of 97
Question 5 of 97
...
Question 97 of 97

Congratulations.

You are now eligible to enter your credit card information.

11/The Alternative

What A Simple Telehealth Form Looks Like

This is a complete telehealth intake form. It asks what a clinician actually needs to know. Nothing else.

No account required. No marketing emails.

First Name

Last Name

Date of Birth

Treatment

Email

Phone

I consent to be contacted by email and SMS for the purpose of my telehealth care — including appointment updates, clinician messages, and treatment information.

Height & Weight

Used to confirm eligibility. A BMI of 27 or above is required.

Current Medications (optional)

Allergies (optional)

Medical History — select all that apply

Before you submit

I confirm that all information I have provided is truthful and complete. I understand that providing false information may affect my eligibility for treatment and could pose serious health risks.I consent to receiving healthcare services via telehealth. I understand that care is delivered using electronic communications, the clinician will not be physically present, and there are inherent limitations compared to in-person care.I have read and agree to the Terms of Service, Privacy Policy, and Notice of Privacy Practices (HIPAA). I understand how my health information is collected, used, and protected.

No account creation. No email verification. No upsells. Just a clinician review.

12/Glossary

Buzzword Translator™

Patient-Centric: Patients are involved somehow.
Premium: Costs more.
Exclusive: Anyone can join.
Transformational: Marketing wrote this.
AI-Powered: Contains AI somewhere.
Concierge: You can email us.
Revolutionary: Probably not.
Proprietary: We made it ourselves.

13/Questions

Honest FAQ

Do you take insurance?: Maybe.
How much does it cost?: Excellent question.
Will it work?: Possibly.
Can you guarantee results?: No.
Can I cancel?: You should be able to.
Why is telehealth becoming so complicated?: We're trying to figure that out too.

14/The Point

Manifesto

Telehealth should not feel like buying a used car.
Telehealth should not require urgency tactics.
Telehealth should not hide pricing.
Telehealth should not require twelve-step funnels.
Telehealth should not require endless onboarding.
Telehealth should not treat patients like leads.

Patients are people.

Not conversion events.

Not funnels.

Not metrics.

People.